Love Found, Love Lost and Other Harrowing Experiences

"We're here to ruin ourselves, and break our hearts and love the wrong people and die"

~Nicholas Cage to Cher in the movie "Moonstruck"

Recently in one of my favorite forums someone noted that the number of members seemed to be dwindling in the majority of Asian Male/Black Female (AM/BF) clubs.

And it's true. Although membership is high, participation is dwindling in a lot of the forums geared toward AM/BF. The person wondered if the allure of AM/BF had started to wane. Are AM/BW really attracted to each other or was it just a passing fling set off with the movie Romeo Must Die (RMD)? The same can be noticed in the Asian Female/Black Male clubs, too, because there is a disproportionate amount of African Americans in these dating clubs as compared to Asian Americans.

But then is it fair to compare interracial (IR) dating for AF/BM to AM/BF? In the realm of IR dating, the field has been generally open for Asian Women and Black Men. Last spring when the Census results came out no one was really surprised that the percentage of Asian females in IR marriages was more than that of Asian Males. And no one was really surprised that Black women had the lowest percentage of being in an IR marriage. In 1997, Steve Sailer wrote about how Asian Men and Black Women were being left out of the IR dating game and he wrote:

"Much more practical-sounding advice would be: Since there are so many unmarried Asian men and black women, they should find solace for their loneliness by marrying each other. Yet, when was the last time you saw an Asian man and a black woman together? Black-man/Asian-woman couples are still quite unusual, but Asian-man/black-woman pairings are incomparably more rare."(1)

He then goes on to describe about why the pairings of AM/BW is highly unlikely, citing the stereotypes of physical attributes keeping AM and BW at arms length.

Before the movie Romeo Must Die, before the rush to Asian Male/Black Female clubs, before I even knew where Asia really was I had a crush on an Asian man. I must have been about 6 (maybe 7) and Quincy was my favorite TV show. And it wasn't for Quincy. Jack Klugman may have gotten the scantily clad women on the show but my main reason for tuning in each week was Sam portrayed by actor Robert Ito. There was something about Sam's quiet demeanor, high cheekbones, and intelligence that just hooked me. At that young age I couldnt decide whether I wanted to help Sam and Quincy solve crimes or marry Michael Jackson (the Off the Wall MJ) and tour with the Jackson five.

Years later, Ted (not his real name) was my first major crush in high school. Of Japanese descent, Ted was tall, muscular, had high cheekbones (yeah, I have a thing for cheekbones), and smart. My friends, black and white, agreed that he was gorgeous. But still they wanted to know why an Asian. By high school's society definition Asian males were geeks, nerds, effeminate and unattractive. Even though Ted was a living contradiction right in front of them disproving the stereotypes they still couldn't understand my attraction for an Asian male.

It didn't matter anyway because Ted barely knew I existed. Except for one strained phone call I had to summon the courage to make during my Jr. year in high school we rarely spoke to each other. That still didn't keep me from trying to catch his attention and I all but revamped myself to catch his eye. He was on the football team; I became a cheerleader. He liked Echo and the Bunnymen, U2, Siouxsie and the Banshees, and the Psychodelic Furs: I got into them, too. His awkwardness was endearing, his shyness I took for silent strength. And his aloofness was just so damn sexy.

When I went off to college I entered a relationship with an Asian male. Another case of unrequited love but this time I was on the other end.

I met Jong-Su at a club I "slipped" into with some white friends my freshman year. I noticed him staring at me for minutes on end and after I was certain he wouldn't approach me I went up and started a conversation with him. We found that we had a lot in common, besides a mutual attraction (yeah, he had the cheekbones). We exchanged phone numbers and began dating after that.